“The English language, which arose from humble Anglo-Saxon roots to become the lingua franca of 600 million people worldwide and the dominant lexicon of international discourse, is dead. It succumbed last month at the age of 1,617 after a long illness. It is survived by an ignominiously diminished form of itself.”

In his Washington Post column, Gene Weingarten muses about the death of the English language.  Bonus points to any students who can explain the specific grammatical errors he bemoans.

Ironic Sans has created a video tracking the incorrect use of lay and lie in the TV series Mad Men.  This is a commonly tested diction error on the writing section of the SAT, so pay attention!  Also frequently tested is the difference between raise and rise.  Like lay, raise takes an object; like lie, rise does not take an object.

• Use periods at the end of abbreviated titles such as Mr., Ms., Dr., Ph.D., M.D., Sr., Jr.  (Note: Miss is not an abbreviation and therefore does not require a period at the end.)
• Use periods in abbreviations of Latin words or phrases: i.e., e.g., et al., etc.
• Use periods for time designations: a.m. and p.m.  (Note: AM and PM are also acceptable; whichever you choose, please be consistent throughout the entire document.)
• Do NOT use periods when abbreviating states: NY, NJ, MD, CA.
• Do NOT use periods in acronyms: SCUBA, NATO, NAACP, IRS.
• Do NOT add a second period if the sentence ends with a period marking an abbreviation:
  • Second base was manned by Jerry Hairston, Jr..
  • Second base was manned by Jerry Hairston, Jr.

As far as grammatical errors go, misplaced modifiers might yield the most humor.  Consider Groucho Marx’s quip in the movie Animal Crackers: “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.”

A modifier is any word or phrase that modifies, or describes, another word.  Adjectives and adverbs are examples of single word modifiers, but entire phrases can also act as modifiers.  Consider these sentences (the modifiers are in bold):

Use the sharpest knife.   (sharpest describes/modifies the knife)

The snow was falling softly.  (softly describes/modifies the way the snow was falling)

Ask the girl with the curly hair.  (with the curly hair describes/modifies the girl)

The placement of modifiers affects the meaning of sentences.  “We only ate two slices of pizza” is different from “We ate only two slices of pizza.”  In the first example, only modifies what we ate: the two slices of pizza were all that we ate — no salad, no garlic knots, just pizza.  In the second example, only modifies the word two — we didn’t have three or four slices of pizza.  We stopped at two.   In general, modifiers should be placed as close as possible to the words they modify to avoid confusion.

A dog caught my attention running through the park.

In this sentence, it’s not clear who is doing the running — me, or the dog.  Was I jogging when I noticed the dog, or did the dog run by me while I was sitting on a park bench?  To clear up the confusion, I could say either, “A dog caught my attention while I was running through the park” (if I was the one doing the running) or ” A dog running through the park caught my attention” (if the dog was the one who ran).  Here’s another example:

Upon slamming the door, the vase fell from the table and shattered.

The wording of this sentence makes it sound as though the vase slammed the door, which seems fairly impossible.  Remember: place modifiers as close as possible to the words they modify: “Upon slamming the door, I saw the vase fall from the table and shatter” or “When I slammed the door, the vase fell from the table and shattered. “  Either way, I need to make clear that I am the one who did the slamming.

Returning to our original example, when Groucho Marx wonders how the elephant got in his pajamas, he is playing on the misplaced modifier: “I shot an elephant in my pajamas.”  We would assume that Groucho was the one wearing pajamas, but grammatically, the elephant was wearing them.

Way back when we wrote some tips for trimming down your essays, we suggested you avoid passive voice whenever possible.  Some of you have asked what exactly we mean by “passive voice” and whether it’s ever appropriate to use it.

Active voice

In an active sentence, the subject performs the action:  “Gilbert studied his notes.”  Gilbert is the subject of the sentence and the action he performs is to study.  Another example:  “Lauren broke the pencil.”  Here, Lauren is the subject, and the action she performs is to break.

Passive voice

In a passive sentence, the subject receives the action: “The notes were studied by Gilbert.”  Even though the notes aren’t performing any action, the focus is on them rather than Gilbert, the one who is doing the studying.   Likewise, “The pencil was broken by Lauren” is also passive.  The pencil receives all the focus of the sentence, even though Lauren was the one who broke it.

Sentences written in passive voice are not technically incorrect, but they are not usually the most efficient way of wording a sentence.  “The notes were studied by Gilbert” is a much more clunky — and, consequently, confusing — way of describing what took place.

So should you avoid passive voice altogether?

You should only use the passive voice when you have a good reason for doing so.  In your lab reports, for example, you will probably find yourself using passive voice because you are meant to emphasize the process rather than yourself, the researcher.  As a result, your teacher will often prefer you to write, “The experiment was run four times” rather than “I ran the experiment four times.”

Another time it is appropriate to use passive voice is when you do not know who performed the action.  For example, “The mysterious letter was left on my doorstep” is correct because we do not know who left the letter.  Likewise, because passive voice de-emphasizes the subject, some people use passive voice to avoid taking responsibility for their actions — “Mistakes were made” (Well, who made them?) or “The paper was poorly written” — (Yes, but didn’t you write it?)

In the end, like most matters of style, the choice is yours to make.  Just remember to have intention behind each word of your writing — use passive voice with purpose, not because you couldn’t think of any other way to say it.

“I felt badly” or “I felt bad”?  The quick answer is that you should not say “I felt badly” unless you are describing a problem with your fingers or your sense of touch–the way in which you perform the physical act of feeling.  Here’s why:

Badly is an adverb, meaning it modifies a verb, adjective, or another adverb.  In our example sentence, “I felt badly,” the verb is “felt,” meaning that badly modifies the way you feel–not your emotional state, but the literal action of moving your fingers.  Bad, on the other hand, is an adjective, meaning it modifies a noun.  In our example sentence, the noun is “I,” meaning that bad modifies something about me–in this case, my emotional state.  That’s why it’s correct to say “I felt sad” and not “I felt sadly.”

At the same time, there are occasions when you should use the word “badly,” namely when the verb you employ suggests action rather than a state of being.  “The actor performed badly” or “the discussion went badly,” for instance, are correct because performed and went are both action verbs, requiring an adverb to modify them.

It might surprise some of our readers to learn that this is a matter of great debate, dating back to at least this New York Times article from 1879.  Check it out for a far more elaborate, tongue-in-cheek explanation of the grammatical rules informing these phrases.

Use “who” only to refer to people.

Maria and Julie are two sisters that equally share household responsibilities.

Maria and Julie are two sisters who equally share household responsibilities.

Use “which” and “that” to refer to things.

Use “that” in restrictive clauses–clauses that restrict the meaning of the noun in some way.

The house that caught fire is down the block from mine.

Here, we need to know that the house caught fire in order to know which house we are talking about;  in other words, the identity of the house is restricted by the fact that it is the one that caught fire, rather than any of the other houses that are also down the block from mine.

Use “which,” on the other hand, to refer to non-restrictive clauses–clauses that tell us something incidental about a subject, but don’t restrict the meaning of that subject.  In other words, use “which” for non-essential information.

The house, which caught fire last year, is painted blue and yellow.

Here, the information that the house caught fire is merely an aside; we don’t need to know it in order to know that we are talking about the blue and yellow house.

Notice that the clause containing “that” is not set off by commas, whereas the clause containing “which” is set off by commas.  Commas around a clause are another clue that the clause is non-restrictive, an indication to use “which.”

Here are a few more examples.

The candidate that who receives more votes will win the election.

The rock that she threw at the window is still on the front lawn.

The rock, which she threw at the window, was so heavy she needed two hands to hold it.

Here is a quick guide to some commonly confused and/or misspelled words.

You’re = you are.  “You’re a great poker player.”

Your = indicates possession (as in something that belongs to you).  “You forgot to bring your cards.”

They’re = they are. “They’re not paying attention.”

There = indicates location. “They keep looking over there.”

Their = indicates possession; something that belongs to them.  “They lost their money.”

Too = also. “They lost their dignity, too.”

To = preposition that indicates direction. “They went to the store.”

Two = 2 “They bought two cans of soda.”

It’s = it is. “It’s too early to get out of bed.”

Its = indicates possession; something that belongs to it. “The dog found its ball.”

The subjunctive mood is used to express a condition that does not exist, such as a wish or a possibility.  This means using “were” instead of “was” and “had” instead of “has,” “have,” or “would have.”

For example:

He wishes his pet turtle were still alive. NOT He wishes his pet turtle was still alive.

If I were in charge, things would be a lot different around here. NOT If I was in charge…

If she had slept more, she wouldn’t be so tired today.  NOT If she would have slept more…

This explains why Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof sings, “If I were a rich man,” (not “If I was a rich man”) and why Beyonce sings, “If I were a boy,” rather than, “If I was a boy.”

When pluralizing proper nouns, you should generally add the letter “s” to the end of the word. Do not use an apostrophe unless you want to indicate possession.

Ex: The Sextons live across the street. NOT: The Sexton’s live across the street.

Ex: The Batemans will attend the party. NOT: The Bateman’s will attend the party.

If the proper noun ends in s, sh, x, z, or ch (as in Lynch, not as in Bach) add the letters –es to pluralize.

Ex: The Rodriguezes are traveling to Italy this summer.

Ex: The Leaches brought their newborn home from the hospital.

Ex: In my math class there are three Jameses and two Lizes.

If, however, the proper noun ends in an “s” with a hard “z” sound, like Chambers or Hodges, keep it exactly the same even when you pluralize it.

Ex: The Addams are coming over for dinner. NOT: The Addamses are coming over for dinner.

There are, of course, always exceptions. For example, we keep up with the Joneses, not the Jones, so when in doubt, use your best judgment, or post a question to the comments!